Q1: I don’t know if it’s what you Catholics call the dark night of the soul or if it is the enemy tempting me, but I can’t hear God anymore. I am not sure how it’s taught in Catholicism, but as a Prottie, my parents have always talked about the “baptism of the Holy Spirit,” the gifts of the spirit, and things like that. I don’t think I’ve ever been “baptized in the Holy Spirit,” but I hear everyone around me constantly talk about it.
On top of that (this really doesn’t have to do with Christianity per se), lately, I hardly even feel emotion towards anything. And that feels terrible. I’ve gone to the bar after work for the last few weeks. I don’t get drunk or anything; I just get a drink and people-watch. I’ve found myself wishing on occasion that I wasn’t saved. I know I wouldn’t be the same person, but at the same time, a little part of me wishes that I didn’t have to live up to the standard for which we, as Christians, strive. Maybe then life wouldn’t seem so lonely.
I don’t know how to put it into words. But a tiny part of me just thinks, “Hey, maybe it would be easier just to go back to living a worldly life. Getting drunk or high, sleeping around, and generally leading a more… hedonistic lifestyle. Sure, it’s temporary, but maybe it’s worth it.”
Now, I know this is not true. I’ve lived in the depths of hedonism and depravity, and it is not worth it in any way, but part of me wants to give in so I don’t have to suffer right now. Again, that won’t happen, but there is still a tiny part that wishes I could. What should I do? How do I stop feeling like this?
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A1: Thanks so much for reaching out! It means a lot from a non-Catholic that our perspectives are being shared and impacting those outside our orbit.
The old cliché “God moves in a mysterious way” is often of little comfort. Since you mentioned hearing God in your life, God’s voice is sometimes subtle enough, but it is hard to hear through the noise and stress of everyday life. I went years often thinking there was something wrong with how I prayed, but so far as I’ve learned from studies and prayers, it’s 99.9% about the intent in your prayers. Properly ordered, the intention is to continue bonding and building that relationship with God—and honestly, I cannot say what the .1% other bit is. What I can make out over the NYC traffic and a coffee-cluster headache is that it has something to do with how we are uniquely created in his image and, thus, process and interpret His love in our lives.
To that effect, God won’t just look at your prayers and go ‘…Nah.’ There is always a plan. Sometimes, it is obvious. Other times, it’s not apparent at all. Perhaps take heart in reading about Job—a man cursed and spat on by Satan in every way and still kept praying to God. Some point out that even when he is furious and angry at God for what is happening, he still prays to him. Praying through the pain can be incredibly difficult, especially when you feel it falls on deaf ears. Have faith, and know your prayers are not in vain but glorify God the Father!
As for being baptized in the Holy Spirit? From a Catholic standpoint, if you were baptized at least once, you’re baptized for good. But there are always baptismal renewals and prayers for them. These are sometimes called the fruit of the spirit or the gifts of the Holy Spirit. And for emotion and lack thereof: You are feeling an emotion, friend—the emotion behind loss, confusion, and not being sure what to do. Truthfully, I tricked myself down the same rabbit hole and gaslighted myself into believing I may be a sociopath for some time.
I have often thought about what my life would be like if I was not married—still in Vermont, able to play games whenever I wanted, focused on my college work, able to look at porn whenever I desired, but what a sad life. The reality is that God called me on a challenging path—one of being a Husband to a Woman who needs a rock and guardian for herself and her kids. Scratch that, our kids. I never once thought I was ready or mature enough for it, but I prayed hard over it, and more and more, I found peace and growth in my spiritual life down this path. I realized other paths only lead to confusion, anxiety, and emptiness down any other path. It is as simple as that.
As a final thought, I would like to leave you with a simple formula: Values + Attitude = Behavior. As true as it is for driving, the same goes for living the Christian life. You, too, are called for something. What for, I cannot say. God has molded you the way that you are for a reason. If you feel that you are not living up to the expectation of being a good Christian man, and as a Protestant who knows the bible better than any of us Catholics, recall how Jonah fled from God and his calling to Ninevah for months before finally following through on his mission; King David got his general killed in battle so he could steal his wife, Bathsheba. Yet, both men were called a “Man after God’s Heart.” Samson was a womanizer. Paul persecuted and killed dozens, if not hundreds, of Christians, before Jesus met him, and he converted to the church.
My suggestion? Look no further than the lives of the saints. Some great Catholic saints deal directly with the loneliness of youth, as you described. For me, I usually recommend The Confessions of St. Augustine, and for women, The Little Way of St Therese of Lisieux: In her own words, both are great places to start, no matter what your gender. Take this as a time for real growth, both spiritually and in getting to know yourself better. Know that we will be praying for you on your journey.
For some additional reading, here’s a list of resources available from Catholic Answers and the St. Paul Center to help continue this conversation.
- Catholic Answers: Praying to the Saints
- Catholic Answers: The Intercession of the Saints
- Catholic Answers: What the Bible Says About Praying to the Saints
- St. Paul Center: Catholic Understanding of the Saints
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